Invisible Love

I have been one to walk to the beat of my own drum, never have I lived my life to what others expected of me; well most of my life.  There was a period in my life I allowed myself to be controlled but the control came from my father and whatever he said do, I'd do because father's knows best.  Well most of the time.  I remember a time in my life when it seemed dark and I felt trapped.  When I mean trapped, I mean like the animals that are caged at the local zoo.  I felt like life was full of restraints and I was only able to go so far before the doors would remind me that I am locked in.  Well when I was freed from the restraints, but it was not my father who caused me to feel this way but he unbeknown st to the situation, supported my lifestyle at the time and for his choice to tell me to stay I stayed and what a huge let down it was.  Without going into the particulars, I will write around the main idea of this lack of feeling freedom and express to you the love I found out of this bad time in my life.  Once the bond that tied me to a life of misery was broken, I began to live and find who I was as an individual of this life.  My right side came together with my left side and decided that it was time to make a mark in life that would be left as an everlasting impression of who and what I want out of life.  Today which is twenty years later.  I have stepped outside my box and moved on to a higher level in life.  I once never thought I'd ever go outside my current state.  I was so boxed in mentally that I was afraid to fly, drive on the highway, or even take a train ride.  I have experienced two out of three and currently planning my first train ride.  I write here on my blog for my state of mind and my well being.  I am constantly looking for improvement in myself and forever seeking knowledge.  I am in my last year of my Social Work BSW degree and that is an accomplishment, but what is most miraculous about this is that I am on the Deans list which speaks volumes of my growth.  When I was in high school I barely graduated and was a C average student.  Back in those days I swore to myself I was doing my best but in reality I was doing less.  I have applied my knowledge along with my streets smarts and have come up with a master plan.  I will leave this world with the piece of mind that I Tamara Lynn Turner Fuseini gave her all to her self, her family and most of all to Allah.  My love for self was lost and turned upsides down and at sometimes lost.  I am a African American woman who has made through rough times and I sometimes feel like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption, the part when he crawled through all that shit, and came out on the other side clean and pristine.  He had beat the system that had tried to take his self esteem.  He endured so much abuse and was innocent of the crime he was sentenced to.  I know how that feels, only I have never been locked up in jail, but I have experienced imprisonment of the physic.  I once loved and did not know how to even love myself.  I guess you can say my love was once invisible and I was not aware of my full potential.  Today I am home schooling my children and I can see the difference in their abilities and I feel blessed to be able to give them a part of me that I did not even give myself.  Yes I once was Invisible Love, today my love is visible for self and in my life I have chosen to share a part of my world with you.  I will come back here and tell my sad stories along with my happy moments, but this one here is for those who feel they have no love or very low love, take that invisible love you have for self, family, and life and bring it to life.  For life is bigger than you will ever imagine, but we are all here on earth for a reason find your reason and make it happen.