A New Day A New Life A New Dawn

This past year for me was a time of reflection, growth and most of all piece of mind in where I am in my life today.  I have spent a large part of my life regretting who I am and where I come from.  I am no longer looking for satisfaction within myself.  I am on to much more important matters at hand.  I once worried about who will love me and only me, who will take care of my needs and who will do this and who will do that.  I now only work on making sure my needs are met for me and within myself.  I am a woman who has over come many obstacles and I have always come on top of the game.  I have been put in positions that should have left me without breath, but I survived much smarter and wiser.  I want for this year to reflect on my growth as I continue to grow positively and passionately.  I want to work on my marriage which is one area of my life is always good, but it can always be better.  I want to support my husband with nothing but positivity.  He has come in to my life and in a short period of time, he has changed my life and my outlook on life as a wife.  It took me a long time to settle down and as for who I chose to share my life with, I know I chose the right one.  There are times in my life that I think about why was i the chosen one, why has Allah decided to spare my life on so many occasions?  Right now I can't explain why because i don't have the answers and I probably will never have the answers on this here earth, but I thank him for giving me a second chance at life, love and happiness.  I plan to make the most of the second half of my life and I plan to live life to the fullest and continue to give and support those who are in my circle as well as those who will come in and out of my circle.  To give for me is to give thanks for all the blessings I have been given in my life.  So for 2015 it's all about a new life, a new day and a new dawn.  The way life is passing by so fast I have lots to do and I must make sure I get as much as I can before the lights are out.

Poverty is not my Friend

I stepped outside yesterday and found that my summer days had truly come to an end.  I guess for the first of November that was a good warm run.  It had been chilly but nothing like today. I always get a little sad around this time.  I am a summer person by nature and no fault of my own.  Born August 1, I can't help always longing for the heat.  Well on this day I decided to pretend only difference was that I enjoyed the sun from the ride and when I had to go into the cold element I accomplished what ever it was I was doing fast and back into the metal fire place.  I went for a ride and decided to go about town and take some snap shots for my school presentation that is coming up soon.  For my project I have to choose a particular part of the area and do a photo presentation and tell what is a positive force in our area and what is a short coming.  We also have to explain what changes if any need to addressed and what approach do we look at it from.  Community Development is where I feel we need to focus our project on.  We are focusing on the downtown area of our city.  This particular area is very diverse and so complex.  In a city where the rich and the poor share the same space.  The one difference is one is on the inside looking out and one is on the outside looking in.  What I found was what I have always known existed but try at times to block the images out of my head.  Now today I am totally different, I am working so hard to be a part of a bigger picture.  Yes my photos is one perspective of many whom come together and fight for the greater cause.  Humanity needs to rear it's head and find a way to see all people as equal.  Sometimes I feel I have so much to say and so much to share I get to emotional and try to say all at once.  For this blog I just want to spread the word regarding advocacy for the less fortunate.  There are so many people whom are suffering today.  I speak of the homeless, battered, mentally disables and substance abusers to name just a few. While I rode around and took pictures.  I found myself seeing two worlds clashing.  On one side you have to well off and some are even rich.  I'm sure any one of the people who are living in pent houses downtown, can look out their window at any given time and see a homeless person walking or sleeping on the streets.  I rode past the Cherry Street Mission and there was a long line of people waiting in line for what may have been dinner.  It was around 5 p.m. the line was growing as I rode by.  I saw so many people walking to get in line.  I wanted to take a picture, but that would have been a violation of their human right, with out me asking.  I was not brave enough to go among them and ask, I felt they are in dire straits and who am I to impose on them in such a way that will only make them feel even more hopeless.  I want to empower these people and try to find a way to help get them back on track and on to success.  If I can help one person in my profession before I leave this earth I will feel I have accomplished a goal.  I have helped many people throughout my life and I did not have to go to school to know how to help someone.  While I am in school I reflect on my life and realize this was my calling and to allow myself to dare dream, I am accomplishing my dream, now I'm getting close to checking yet another task off my bucket list.  I am so grateful to my Allah for allowing me a second chance at life.  I feel my life is starting over in so many ways and it is all for the better.  I once lived not to far from being homeless like the people I saw today and I know the struggle and how it feels to be hungry and only have bare cabinets.  Today I live very well and my hungry days are behind me, but I know it is all a gift from the almighty and I will work on this earth for his praises.  I want to be a part of a community that has one goal and that is to make a change for the people who can't change on their own.  It's time to put poverty on the reject list, for Poverty is no one's friend.

Invisible Love

I have been one to walk to the beat of my own drum, never have I lived my life to what others expected of me; well most of my life.  There was a period in my life I allowed myself to be controlled but the control came from my father and whatever he said do, I'd do because father's knows best.  Well most of the time.  I remember a time in my life when it seemed dark and I felt trapped.  When I mean trapped, I mean like the animals that are caged at the local zoo.  I felt like life was full of restraints and I was only able to go so far before the doors would remind me that I am locked in.  Well when I was freed from the restraints, but it was not my father who caused me to feel this way but he unbeknown st to the situation, supported my lifestyle at the time and for his choice to tell me to stay I stayed and what a huge let down it was.  Without going into the particulars, I will write around the main idea of this lack of feeling freedom and express to you the love I found out of this bad time in my life.  Once the bond that tied me to a life of misery was broken, I began to live and find who I was as an individual of this life.  My right side came together with my left side and decided that it was time to make a mark in life that would be left as an everlasting impression of who and what I want out of life.  Today which is twenty years later.  I have stepped outside my box and moved on to a higher level in life.  I once never thought I'd ever go outside my current state.  I was so boxed in mentally that I was afraid to fly, drive on the highway, or even take a train ride.  I have experienced two out of three and currently planning my first train ride.  I write here on my blog for my state of mind and my well being.  I am constantly looking for improvement in myself and forever seeking knowledge.  I am in my last year of my Social Work BSW degree and that is an accomplishment, but what is most miraculous about this is that I am on the Deans list which speaks volumes of my growth.  When I was in high school I barely graduated and was a C average student.  Back in those days I swore to myself I was doing my best but in reality I was doing less.  I have applied my knowledge along with my streets smarts and have come up with a master plan.  I will leave this world with the piece of mind that I Tamara Lynn Turner Fuseini gave her all to her self, her family and most of all to Allah.  My love for self was lost and turned upsides down and at sometimes lost.  I am a African American woman who has made through rough times and I sometimes feel like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption, the part when he crawled through all that shit, and came out on the other side clean and pristine.  He had beat the system that had tried to take his self esteem.  He endured so much abuse and was innocent of the crime he was sentenced to.  I know how that feels, only I have never been locked up in jail, but I have experienced imprisonment of the physic.  I once loved and did not know how to even love myself.  I guess you can say my love was once invisible and I was not aware of my full potential.  Today I am home schooling my children and I can see the difference in their abilities and I feel blessed to be able to give them a part of me that I did not even give myself.  Yes I once was Invisible Love, today my love is visible for self and in my life I have chosen to share a part of my world with you.  I will come back here and tell my sad stories along with my happy moments, but this one here is for those who feel they have no love or very low love, take that invisible love you have for self, family, and life and bring it to life.  For life is bigger than you will ever imagine, but we are all here on earth for a reason find your reason and make it happen.

Catching up with life: The beginning

Catching up with life: The beginning: "Daddy Daddy look at me am I pretty?"  Girl what are you doing; take that damn white towel off your head and stop acting crazy.  I...

Something Special

This is how my husband has always made me feel.  I have never met someone who loves me so much.  He shows his love for me and our children daily and for these reasons he will always be my Something Special.

I had just moved into my 4 bedroom 2 full baths and a full basement home with my children.  Kamilah now 17,  Akil six and Aminah was one.  I was chatting with my friend on the phone one day and he said that he was going to find him a mail order bride on line, at this time it was the summer of 2006, I had given up my Internet for another short story I just remembered of.  Well anyway, I said you know what I am going to find me someone too.  So I pulled my computer out of the closet bought me a desk and signed up for the Internet once again, the last time was September 2001 I had had the net.  I decided to sign up with Black planet and i set out to look for my African King.

Ever since I was a little girl I longed to have a connection with Africa; I use to think I was going to adopt a child and care for them from a far, because of the save a child shows on late at night.  I was online for eight months until I met my King.  I talked to about a dozen men, I first started seeking men here in the states and they were so disappointing, I wanted someone who wanted me for me and not my body or sexual prowls and in America that is a hard task to accomplish.  I didn't have a lot to bring to the table at the time, so my standards were set low.  I then began to seek refuge outside the states and I commenced to find Malik.  I first set my eyes on Nigeria because I think that was the country at the time that women were seeking men from.  I was not a Nigerian kind of girl; my vibes for this place was not a good one.  I then turned to Ghana, and my first love was Eric, he sent me pictures through the mail, they took forever to get here but at that time web cams were expensive and most Africans did not have them.  I soon realized I was part of a scam and moved on. Okay first let me say this, I did not once get scammed out of money.

Okay now the next time I decided to search it was about eight month into my search and I said that I am going to try one more time and if I don't find anyone I'm shutting this box down once again, I was not into computers as much as I am now.  I think because I was a secretary and worked with them all day and had no desire for them at home.  Okay now I was searching and I stumbled upon two guys that i found interesting.  One was from Benin and the other from Ghana, I most attracted to the Ghana guy but the Benin guy showed much more interest, so I started taking to him and he had web cam; so we would meet and all he would do is look at me and tell me how beautiful I was.  I was so bored with him all the while still wanting for a reply back from the Ghana man.  I sent him a message and got no replay, I found that strange and it would show the last time he was online and he was coming online but did not replay.  So one day I said to myself I don't want to talk to the guy from Benin.  I am going to send on last message to this man and if he don't reply I am done.

To my surprise he finally responded back to me with one question when he left me a reply back.  "Do you have web cam"  I replied back yes and he wanted to meet before anything.  Well I told him but of course we can meet.  I found it refreshing that he was not trying to sale me a dream and he was cautious just as I was.  It's been six years and I swear he loves me more than he did yesterday.  I am so very grateful to have him and I will do anything to keep our union bonded.  The love I have for him is mutual and in this blog.

Since my husband came into my life I have loss my father and gained a partner, he was there for me then and still there for me now.  He supports me going to school, he works hard to make my dream come true.  He is loyal and thinks of me in all that he do.  He will give me the shirt off his back and the shirt under that one if I wanted or needed it.  He treats me like a lady and always touching feeling and loving me in a tender and gently way.  I love my husband and I just wanted to write about why he is my Something Special and one day I will shower him with all that I have to offer.  More to come later.

We Cried Together

On this night we cried because our life is so much about being apart when we really don't want to be apart from one another.  We sacrifice our time and our patience for a greater good.  Upon my husbands return from Ghana he was immediately called back to work and our time was once again stumped.  I sometimes feel so frustrated about how we have to live in order to make it in this world today.  I look at all the stars who make millions and the sacrifice they make to have all that they do and I associate my life in the same manner.  My husband is a hard worker and he is dedicated to our family.  He works outside the home and makes very good money.  With our life and the lifestyle we live we need to have this arrangement.  He as I said once before supports me going back to school and his family back home in Ghana.  I know on this day we were so sad and we cried together for the lack of time we have now a days.  There is no other way right now for things to work.  I offered to go back to my old profession (Administrative Assistant) but my husband refused me to return back to that type of work, because of the pay and my unhappiness.  We cried and we shared our most intimate thoughts this night and it felt good.  I realize that no matter how far we are we are always together in heart, mind, body and soul.  He longs for me more each day and I adore how he loves me.  Life is often somber with us and I am in a good place with all that we are doing and plan to do.  I often step outside myself and look down on us and shed a tear for all that we miss and all that we have coming at the same time.  Our tears this night were tears of sadness for the loss of us being together, but happy days are still ahead of us and we will see the day we will live together as one.  May Allah continue to bless and watch over our union and carry us through to see better days.  Ameen, Ameen.

The beginning

"Daddy Daddy look at me am I pretty?"  Girl what are you doing; take that damn white towel off your head and stop acting crazy.  I was so confused because I didn't understand what my Daddy was saying to me.  All I ever see on tv is white people, he buys me white dolls and I'm just eight years old.  I though he would be proud to see me trying to look white.  Yes I wanted to be white and I thought at that time when I have my children, I was going to marry a white man, so that my kids would not have to endure the pain and humiliation for being black.  There were times I hated the skin i was in because everyone around me made me feel so ugly and unwanted, except for my Daddy, he always said that I was a beautiful girl and one day I will see it.  I think that was the last year I received a white doll for Christmas.  He (my father) saw what he was saying to me and stopped.  I wasn't able to get the baby alives, because during that time there were no black name brand dolls on the market and the black plastic dolls were far and few.  I tell this story because it is a story that haunts me to this day.  I was so clueless and I have to thank Allah for guiding me in the right direction through out life and finding my black is beautiful.

During that same time in my life I had a crush on the neighbors cousin who came to visit every summer and he in return liked me.  So one summer we decided to call ourselves going together.  He would sit on the porch with me and play jacks or let me read to him.  I was a big Judy Blum fan at the time and Blubber was the book I read that summer.  We were both very happy and pleased with one another company.  One day Pie Face, the girl who stayed around the corner came over and saw my boyfriend, his name was Scooby.  She told all the neighborhood kids that she wanted him.  Well, Pie
Face was light skinned and her face was flat and she had two buck teeth and wore her hair permed.  All the boys in the neighborhood co horsed Scooby into thinking she was the better catch.  He told me in private that he only wanted me and he loved my looks, which I was dark with kinky hair and big eyes, but this was his preference.  So to save face he decided to ask me if he can have us both.  I said yes because I did not want to lose him.

One day we all were on the porch and Pie Face said it was time for us to kiss our boyfriend and that she was going first.  She sat on his lap and started kissing him and when she stopped, Scooby wiped his lips and held his arms out to me.  I couldn't do it, I couldn't go after another girl.  I told him it was either her or me but two aint gone work.  He chose me and sent Pie Face packing.  For years after that happened I always wondered what it was he saw in me, he was very handsome too.  That's why Pie Face wanted him.  He was carmel skin with light brown eyes and curly sandy brown hair.  I will never forget Scooby for as long as I live.  He was the first guy to see the beauty that i couldn't even see inside me at the time.  I often wonder what ever happened to him and if he is happy, I never saw Scooby again after that year, his cousins moved that fall and I was truly heart broken.  So the moral of this story is that; if time permit, the beauty inside ones soul may not be apparent to that person during a certain era in their life but with time and wisdom you will become comfortable in the skin that you're in.  I thank my first boyfriend Scooby for seeing a side of me early on in life.