Catching up with life: The beginning

Catching up with life: The beginning: "Daddy Daddy look at me am I pretty?"  Girl what are you doing; take that damn white towel off your head and stop acting crazy.  I...

Something Special

This is how my husband has always made me feel.  I have never met someone who loves me so much.  He shows his love for me and our children daily and for these reasons he will always be my Something Special.

I had just moved into my 4 bedroom 2 full baths and a full basement home with my children.  Kamilah now 17,  Akil six and Aminah was one.  I was chatting with my friend on the phone one day and he said that he was going to find him a mail order bride on line, at this time it was the summer of 2006, I had given up my Internet for another short story I just remembered of.  Well anyway, I said you know what I am going to find me someone too.  So I pulled my computer out of the closet bought me a desk and signed up for the Internet once again, the last time was September 2001 I had had the net.  I decided to sign up with Black planet and i set out to look for my African King.

Ever since I was a little girl I longed to have a connection with Africa; I use to think I was going to adopt a child and care for them from a far, because of the save a child shows on late at night.  I was online for eight months until I met my King.  I talked to about a dozen men, I first started seeking men here in the states and they were so disappointing, I wanted someone who wanted me for me and not my body or sexual prowls and in America that is a hard task to accomplish.  I didn't have a lot to bring to the table at the time, so my standards were set low.  I then began to seek refuge outside the states and I commenced to find Malik.  I first set my eyes on Nigeria because I think that was the country at the time that women were seeking men from.  I was not a Nigerian kind of girl; my vibes for this place was not a good one.  I then turned to Ghana, and my first love was Eric, he sent me pictures through the mail, they took forever to get here but at that time web cams were expensive and most Africans did not have them.  I soon realized I was part of a scam and moved on. Okay first let me say this, I did not once get scammed out of money.

Okay now the next time I decided to search it was about eight month into my search and I said that I am going to try one more time and if I don't find anyone I'm shutting this box down once again, I was not into computers as much as I am now.  I think because I was a secretary and worked with them all day and had no desire for them at home.  Okay now I was searching and I stumbled upon two guys that i found interesting.  One was from Benin and the other from Ghana, I most attracted to the Ghana guy but the Benin guy showed much more interest, so I started taking to him and he had web cam; so we would meet and all he would do is look at me and tell me how beautiful I was.  I was so bored with him all the while still wanting for a reply back from the Ghana man.  I sent him a message and got no replay, I found that strange and it would show the last time he was online and he was coming online but did not replay.  So one day I said to myself I don't want to talk to the guy from Benin.  I am going to send on last message to this man and if he don't reply I am done.

To my surprise he finally responded back to me with one question when he left me a reply back.  "Do you have web cam"  I replied back yes and he wanted to meet before anything.  Well I told him but of course we can meet.  I found it refreshing that he was not trying to sale me a dream and he was cautious just as I was.  It's been six years and I swear he loves me more than he did yesterday.  I am so very grateful to have him and I will do anything to keep our union bonded.  The love I have for him is mutual and in this blog.

Since my husband came into my life I have loss my father and gained a partner, he was there for me then and still there for me now.  He supports me going to school, he works hard to make my dream come true.  He is loyal and thinks of me in all that he do.  He will give me the shirt off his back and the shirt under that one if I wanted or needed it.  He treats me like a lady and always touching feeling and loving me in a tender and gently way.  I love my husband and I just wanted to write about why he is my Something Special and one day I will shower him with all that I have to offer.  More to come later.

We Cried Together

On this night we cried because our life is so much about being apart when we really don't want to be apart from one another.  We sacrifice our time and our patience for a greater good.  Upon my husbands return from Ghana he was immediately called back to work and our time was once again stumped.  I sometimes feel so frustrated about how we have to live in order to make it in this world today.  I look at all the stars who make millions and the sacrifice they make to have all that they do and I associate my life in the same manner.  My husband is a hard worker and he is dedicated to our family.  He works outside the home and makes very good money.  With our life and the lifestyle we live we need to have this arrangement.  He as I said once before supports me going back to school and his family back home in Ghana.  I know on this day we were so sad and we cried together for the lack of time we have now a days.  There is no other way right now for things to work.  I offered to go back to my old profession (Administrative Assistant) but my husband refused me to return back to that type of work, because of the pay and my unhappiness.  We cried and we shared our most intimate thoughts this night and it felt good.  I realize that no matter how far we are we are always together in heart, mind, body and soul.  He longs for me more each day and I adore how he loves me.  Life is often somber with us and I am in a good place with all that we are doing and plan to do.  I often step outside myself and look down on us and shed a tear for all that we miss and all that we have coming at the same time.  Our tears this night were tears of sadness for the loss of us being together, but happy days are still ahead of us and we will see the day we will live together as one.  May Allah continue to bless and watch over our union and carry us through to see better days.  Ameen, Ameen.

The beginning

"Daddy Daddy look at me am I pretty?"  Girl what are you doing; take that damn white towel off your head and stop acting crazy.  I was so confused because I didn't understand what my Daddy was saying to me.  All I ever see on tv is white people, he buys me white dolls and I'm just eight years old.  I though he would be proud to see me trying to look white.  Yes I wanted to be white and I thought at that time when I have my children, I was going to marry a white man, so that my kids would not have to endure the pain and humiliation for being black.  There were times I hated the skin i was in because everyone around me made me feel so ugly and unwanted, except for my Daddy, he always said that I was a beautiful girl and one day I will see it.  I think that was the last year I received a white doll for Christmas.  He (my father) saw what he was saying to me and stopped.  I wasn't able to get the baby alives, because during that time there were no black name brand dolls on the market and the black plastic dolls were far and few.  I tell this story because it is a story that haunts me to this day.  I was so clueless and I have to thank Allah for guiding me in the right direction through out life and finding my black is beautiful.

During that same time in my life I had a crush on the neighbors cousin who came to visit every summer and he in return liked me.  So one summer we decided to call ourselves going together.  He would sit on the porch with me and play jacks or let me read to him.  I was a big Judy Blum fan at the time and Blubber was the book I read that summer.  We were both very happy and pleased with one another company.  One day Pie Face, the girl who stayed around the corner came over and saw my boyfriend, his name was Scooby.  She told all the neighborhood kids that she wanted him.  Well, Pie
Face was light skinned and her face was flat and she had two buck teeth and wore her hair permed.  All the boys in the neighborhood co horsed Scooby into thinking she was the better catch.  He told me in private that he only wanted me and he loved my looks, which I was dark with kinky hair and big eyes, but this was his preference.  So to save face he decided to ask me if he can have us both.  I said yes because I did not want to lose him.

One day we all were on the porch and Pie Face said it was time for us to kiss our boyfriend and that she was going first.  She sat on his lap and started kissing him and when she stopped, Scooby wiped his lips and held his arms out to me.  I couldn't do it, I couldn't go after another girl.  I told him it was either her or me but two aint gone work.  He chose me and sent Pie Face packing.  For years after that happened I always wondered what it was he saw in me, he was very handsome too.  That's why Pie Face wanted him.  He was carmel skin with light brown eyes and curly sandy brown hair.  I will never forget Scooby for as long as I live.  He was the first guy to see the beauty that i couldn't even see inside me at the time.  I often wonder what ever happened to him and if he is happy, I never saw Scooby again after that year, his cousins moved that fall and I was truly heart broken.  So the moral of this story is that; if time permit, the beauty inside ones soul may not be apparent to that person during a certain era in their life but with time and wisdom you will become comfortable in the skin that you're in.  I thank my first boyfriend Scooby for seeing a side of me early on in life.

My first sister wife Mummy

I wanted to take some time to remember my first sister wife, well she was the one I had chosen for my husband, but I ran her away.  Her name is Mummy, I wish things would have went a different way in her life.  She is a young beautiful African woman whom I had the pleasure of meeting.  I now shed a tear for her and worry for her all at the same time. You see Mummy is the oldest in her family and she took on the role as the provider for them all.  Today's Accra Ghana is in a state of turmoil and distress.  There is no money and the country is being ran by people who are corrupted and does not have the welfare of the people in their mind.  So you see, Mummy set out to Kuwait, where there were promises of a job opportunity that would be beneficial to her and her family.  Once she landed in this country, they seized her passport and has been forced to work under slave wages.  If she run they will kill her.  They have explained to her that if she can get a plane ticket she can go.  I want so badly to get her out of there but is not for certain they are telling her the truth.  I feel a close kinship towards enslaved people, for my ancestors endured this treatment for decades.  I can honestly say I can relate to my sister who is locked away and treated as if she is forgotten.  She is someone child, she is someone friend she is someone who is missed and she is of the human kind.  What on earth give people the right to think that they can take some one's life and do as they please.  I will fight for justice while in the process of learning it all.  I have not forgotten my first sister wife Mummy.

Short Period of Time

It never fails, when he come home, he have to leave right back out.  It hurts so bad when i know he has to go and he himself don't want to leave.  It's so sad that I'm crying as i type.  I love him so much but I can never have him because of life and our situation.  I pray to Allah someday we can be together and share our lives together as one.   I feel sad for us all, it almost makes me want to go back to work fast.  You know what, I did and what did it get me, nothing much at twelve dollars an hour in 2014 does not go far.  He tired, he didn't rest in Ghana at all in all the pictures, he just look tired all the time,  well I will be a big girl and let him go with no problems at all because it is what it is.  I will cherish him while he is here.  I thank Allah for his return safe.

Home Coming

I am scheduled to pick Malik up in the morning insha allah if all goes well.  I can't believe he is coming home it has been quite a while and the time went by fast  but not fast enough.  almost 10 weeks he was gone from me and not only just gone but sharing those days with his second wife and child.  I am still having major anxiety about our current situation.  It is still hard to share when I am not use to this kind of lifestyle and on top of everything else I don't feel I've ever had a man to myself in the first place; and that is what makes it extra special.  I know when I met Malik he did not have children and I was unable to bare anymore because I got fixed.  I do not regret my choice to not have more children.  I was not the kind to enjoy sharing my space, I guess you can say I am a bit selfish when it comes to my body.  I know that the purpose for us to be on earth is to procreate, but you have to understand at this time my mind set was not in the same fashion as it is today.  I do still stand by my decisions but had I met Malik a year early I would have gladly given him a child.  So since I am not able too, who am I to stand in his way of having children when that is the best joy in life.  I love my husband and respect the man he is and has become with me.  He has to use lots of patience with me and he does because he understand that my culture is so much more different than his  Yes we are both of the African decent only I was born and bred here in the USA and he is a native Ghanaian.   He was born Muslim and i converted to Islam.  I am not challenging the religion in no way at all.  I believe in all Allah stands for but I don't know if this life will truly make me feel complete.  In the past Malik offered me all that I wanted from a man, but as time goes by i long for a much more mental and deeper connection to my significant other.  I want to speak of the arts, be a part of a community that believes in giving back, stand for more than what I am standing for now.  Don't get me wrong with Malik I can do all that I want and he would never stand in my way, but be a support system and stand by my side is a very hard task for him.  Upon coming home he will soon leave off to work, yes he works outside the home in order to provide for us all.  He takes care of his whole family back home and he is supporting me while i finish up my bachelors degree.  Yes my man is good to me, and I will never disrespect nor try to hurt him purposely.  But like I was explaining, evolving is something you can't help to do if you want to grow and become a better human being.  I believe every encounter happens for a reason and I have encountered danger that may disrupt my paradise and the sad part about it is, I didn't realize it was happening until I became In To Deep.  I now long for the mental stimulation I have found in a mystery man I've never seen but our flow in motions and emotions regarding life is on point.  I don't know if it is a test but I am willing to bet that it is.  I'll see what happens in the end but until then I am a partner to my husband and also his best friend.

The Rain

There was a time in my life I use to run from the rain for fear it would cause havoc on me and my being as it was dry.  I no longer run to take cover from the rain, I stand in the rain and embrace all its beauty and soak in what it has to offer me spiritually.  I no long want to be a prisoner of my mind and in finding the Rain a part of me has been unleashed and I love every being of that.  Although the Rain is in theory philosophical, I know it is always with me and no matter how far apart the rain comes it comes and touches my soul and bring me back to life.  For the rain will always hold a special place in my heart.  The Rain is refreezing, enlightening, charming, spiritual and as we all know very cool.

 There are times I long for a more deeper stimulant mentally, on the days I look towards the sky.  I would like to take a mental journey into the RAIN. (MJRAIN).  Someone whom i never met but i now he is real, I can feel his presence inside me.  Im thankful we crossed paths.

I woke up today feeling somewhat bewildered as to why our people can't get along.  I hear shouting and inappropriate language.  I turn to try and drown out the sounds and go back to a peaceful sleep.  Unfortunately the shouting only became louder.  I rose to go see what all the fussing was about and sure enough black on black crime one door away from my house.  I see men arguing and a woman going off on her lover, telling him to get his things and go.  IN the mist of all the shouting there lies her brother with a gun, he shoots one down to the ground and this just infuriates the lover.  He began to approach the brother and try to ask him to square up with fists.  Eventually the lovers friends convinces him to leave but with a warning that they will be back tonight to kill everyone in the home.  They say they are going to burn the house down.  Okay this happened a door away from my home and although I have nothing to do with it, I can however be a victim of a senseless crime.  I often wonder why African American have so much hostility in them.  For me I understand that the struggle is real and it may seem hard to go out in this world and demand your piece of the pie.

We as African Americans should stand up and rise to the challenge in changing history and starting a new way of life.  There are plenty of African American success stories in the United States and we should seek them out.  Our history, is what it is; we are the only race of people here in the United States that were taken from our country and placed in this world to work for free and enslave not just our body but our mind and soul was also placed under the locks and the chains.  Our spirits were broken and we slowly became a product of the environment in which we were raised. Although slavery is in the past our mind set is still the same, we were conditioned to think we were worthless and had very little to offer this world other than picking cotton and serving the masses.  I on the other hand want to break the chains that hinder us and free our minds.  You may think your mind is already free and you are doing just fine in this world, but in reality under neath the designer clothes and fancy cars and toys, there lies a person who still feels worthless.  I am not saying all African Americans are this way, but what I am saying is that in the inner city there are a lot of wanna be's who want to be more than what they really are.  In this manner an intervention is in serious need.

I would like to someday find a way to show our people that there can be a rainbow waiting ahead for them, but they have to pave the way in order to reach that plato.  Hard work and dedication is the key to success, there is no future in the Lottery, just a dream that has a less likely chance of happening.  You have to work hard to get results; how do I know, well I am that person who felt I had no self worth, I am that person who looked at my skin color as a curse.  I am that person who said the man had his foot on my neck and I can't get free.  Who am I?  I am all that I want to be and can be today, I strive for excellence within myself and I try to exude that onto my loved ones.  I have allowed the tradition to be passed down to me because I had no choice in the matter, but as soon as I could take matters into my own hands and understood my past, I was able to pave the way for a better future.  So for this blog I speak to a select group of people, my people,  and I say "break the chains that has bonded you to a life of misery and hell on earth  It can be challenging but in the end it will be rewarding".

May 18, 2011

I am in Africa; I have been here for ten days and I am enjoying myself.  There is so much culture here that I am finding fascinating, but I can't leave out the sadness.  Yes there is sadness in Ghana, but the way I was taught of Africa is no way shape or form that way in real africa, or at least all of Africa is not what they show on Nat Geo.  Africa is filled with a diversity of living dwellings and I had the pleasure to see many different ways of living.  The way some people live here is unimaginable; one room huts so small that we would have no use for the space here in America, yet here in these parts it's where 3 to 4 people may share.

The food here is plentiful, food stands on every street corner and all healthy eating, fresh fruits and vegetables sold here.  The people feast on bananas and nuts, my first taste of this mixture, I thought I truly was in heaven.  I am not one who is a big fan of bananas, I have a texture issue with them. But with the nuts and bananas it was a true hit to the taste buds. I guess I can say "I'm enjoying the taste of the town"  Yesterday I ate something that did not agree with my stomach from Papayas restaurant. I have to pull back on taste testing the town, it may not be best for my system.  It was fun while it lasted.

I have tasted coconut water freshly served in the coconut, ginger juice, barbecue with seasoning on the side; fried egg stew with rice, palm nut soup that Malik mum made.  Malik's family is so nice to me they take very good care of me and show so much love and respect.  It is refreshing for me seeing as though my family is opposite of how they are with me.  This makes me love my husband even more.  He is such a sweet and caring man himself and I see where it comes from.  He is exactly what he said he was to me a simple man from Ghana.  Simple he is, not hard to please and give me the world if he could.